Posts Tagged ‘South Carolina’

All I can do is sit back on my thrift-store sofa & laugh. LSU’s QB is facing legal action for kicking some dude in the head during a Baton Rouge barfight. Ole Miss’ QB just spent the night in the stir after a barroom brawl in Oxford. Stephen Garcia’s QB coach got a free ride downtown for drunkenly mistaking a parked car for a port-a-potty. Earlier this year, 4 Auburn players were arrested after an ill-conceived heist went wrong. Georgia is still recovering from their lecherous ex-AD’s DUI. That’s a lot of Wild Irish Rose being passed around after two-a-days!┬áIt ought to be easier to tally up more sacks this year if the opposing QBs are weighed down with house-arrest ankle-bracelets.

A rare behind the scenes look at LSU's equipment manager in action.

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Forget Gatorade...this is the fuel that keeps Garcia running!

Controversial South Carolina QB Stephen Garcia may be in Steve Spurrier’s doghouse, but has fallen into the good graces of 211 Steel Reserve. The highly-potent, ultra-affordable malt liquor company has awarded Garcia with a lucrative sponsorship on the heels of his recent reinstatement.

“211 is the only thing I’ll chug while on a campus-wide drunken rampage,” Garcia proudly announced to the press. “It’s the secret to my success, as taught to me by my QB coach.” South Carolina QB coach G.A. Magnus, recently turned loose from the drunk tank after pissing in the streets while blind drunk, was not available for comment.

“We expect big things from Stephen Garcia,” said 211 Steel Reserve spokesman Phil Grubert. “Who better to represent our brand than a quarterback who has more alcohol-related suspensions than bowl appearances, or SEC Championships, or SEC East Championships, or even all three combined.”

As of press time, one can expect to find 211 at the end of the malt-liquor aisle in your favorite package store, & Garcia passed out on the fraternity bathroom floor.

A hung over Garcia does what he does best.There's still hope for "guards vs convicts" game MVP honors...

Read on for the latest scoops we were able to obtain:

Les Miles orders police protection for Tiger Stadium, fears ‘Bama fans will poison the sideline grass in an attempt on his life.

Mississippi State players boldly predict: “We guarantee we’ll cover the spread against Alabama this year!”

Georgia head coach on the future of his career: “Can I interest you in Amway?”

Steve Spurrier forces team to watch final installment of “Harry Potter” in an effort to bolster “trickeration” playbook.

Vandy head coach issues challenge to the media: “Tell me what my name is.”

Of course there were a slew of soundbites from the Auburn coaching staff:

Gus Malzahn on the key to his success: “We pay a lot of money to have a talented scumbag to play QB for us.”

Gene Chizik (going against his legal coundel’s advice to pleasd the 5th for the duration of SEC Media Days) on the departure of most of his starters: “Our checks must have bounced.

On the ongoing NCAA investigation: “If we pay you what we paid Cam Newton will you leave us alone?”

On the odds of repeating as national champion: “No one at Auburn can count that high.”