Posts Tagged ‘Oregon’

Both teams missing stars

But the Ducks’ rapid-fire pace

Will break LSU

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It’s been revealed that the down-for-the-count man LSU QB Jordan Jefferson kicked in a late-night barfight is in fact a United States Marine. After sneaking out of their dorms, the LSU players got into a scuffle at some podunk Louisiana saloon. A young Marine, fresh out of basic training, tried to break up the fight & was rat-packed for his troubles. After hitting the ground, the USMC recruit was soccer-kicked ala old-skool Wanderlei Silva.

Think I’m just being a smug, smarmy, smart-ass ‘Bama fan? Check out this article on Deadspin & tell me what you think.

Who else would deploy such vile, loathsome, cowardly tactics against America’s elite armed forces? The trail can only lead back to our ululating enemies. They’ve done a good job so far with their string-tied Boo Radley keeping things hush-hush, but the truth is out there & it’s official: anyone playing against LSU can now be considered America’s Team.

When you’re watching the LSU-Oregon game next weekend, remember this: you can either root against Oregon, or you can root against the terrorists.

Cheap shots on an outnumbered Marine. This is LSU football.

Oregon-LSU preview

Posted: August 23, 2011 in NCAA Football
Tags: , ,

The first weekend of the the season already brings us a pivotal matchup. Two top-5 teams, both with realistic nation title aspirations, facing off at a neutral site. Let’s break down the key components to the game…

LSU will probably have more key players in jail than Oregon. The Ducks will be without their pothead leadfoot star cornerback, but their QB seems to have talked his way out of hot water. Hey, who hasn’t fallen asleep in the passenger seat while your friend, stoned off his ass, drives over 100 mph through the Pacific Northwest with a suspended license. LSU, on the other hand, has to find a way to wrangle the Baton Rouge legal system into not pressing charges against the Tigers QB, who jumped into a drunken streetfight & curbstomped a downed brawler.

The game will be played on artificial turf. This means that a) the Ducks will easily be able to work their infamous speed into the game, & b) Les Miles will be unable to eat grass when things get tense in the 4th quarter.

The game will be played indoors. Oregon should feel right at home, since their recently-donated practice facility is probably bigger, brighter, cleaner & better-maintained than Dallas Cowboys Stadium. LSU will be away from the safe confines of Death Valley, & will have to soldier on without the crowd noise & humidity that they traditionally hold up their sleeves.

Oregon’s players will be stoned, while LSU’s will be hung over. That high-grade Oregon bud will be stored in the Ducks’ fat cells, releasing THC into their brains as the game wears on. LSU will be shaking off the effects of the previous night’s tour of Dallas strip-clubs. Look closely & you’ll see the hand-stamps from the night before.

All this leads us to one inevitable conclusion: Oregon will beat LSU, 30-20. Take it to the bank!

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