Posts Tagged ‘LSU’

Both teams missing stars

But the Ducks’ rapid-fire pace

Will break LSU

Tired of being overlooked by the media in favor of other, more troubled QBs on top 25 teams such as LSU’s Jordan Jefferson & Miami’s Jacory Harris, Oklahoma’s Landry Jones has lashed out in what can only be described as a cry for help. The pre-season Heisman favorite reportedly walked into a convenience store in the early hours of Saturday morning brandishing a pistol & screaming “Yeehaw! Boomer Sooner, you sons of bitches!”

After cleaning out the till, security camera footage reveals the clean-cut, high-flying senior put on a display of shooting that would, according to deputies called to the scene, “make Wes Hardin proud”. Jones shattered dozens of liquor bottles behind the counter & a corner spitoon, savoring the resounding “clang” sound.

The convenience store clerk on duty recounts a shocking scene: Jones firing his pistol from the hip, fanning the hammer with his free hand & cursing through teeth clenched on a smoldering tiparillo.

But despite of it all, there were only a smattering of journalists on hand for the press conference that followed, & most of them being cub reporters from the Tulsa Tribune/Pennysaver & the local high school papers.

Unfazed by the snub, Sooners coach Bob Stoops has vowed to put his team back in the spotlight, no matter what the cost of innocent lives.

Here’s an exclusive snippet from LSU QB’s press conference before turning himself in on felony battery charges:

Oddly enough, one of the most shocking things to come out of LSU’s last-minute meltdown is the fact that Jordan Jefferson has almost 50 extra pair of shoes. Yep, when Baton Rouge’s finest searched the quarrelsome QBs apartment for a footprint that would match the one he left on a downed opponent (apparently Jefferson doesn’t adhere to the Unified Rules of MMA) they walked out of there with 49 pairs of shoes. 49 pairs! These are shoes that Jefferson would have been wearing at 1:30 am in a bar, so they weren’t cleats. That means this cheapshot-artist has about 50 pair of “walking around” shoes, presuming the boys in blue didn’t leave him barefoot as they left for the crime-lab.

And I don’t want to sound ugly here, but I’m going to go out a limb & venture that most of those shoes weren’t WalMart flip-flops or imitation Vans from Payless Shoe Source. That’s a whole lotta shoes…

…or should I say that’s a whole lotta $100 handshakes at alumni association meet’n’greets!

It’s been revealed that the down-for-the-count man LSU QB Jordan Jefferson kicked in a late-night barfight is in fact a United States Marine. After sneaking out of their dorms, the LSU players got into a scuffle at some podunk Louisiana saloon. A young Marine, fresh out of basic training, tried to break up the fight & was rat-packed for his troubles. After hitting the ground, the USMC recruit was soccer-kicked ala old-skool Wanderlei Silva.

Think I’m just being a smug, smarmy, smart-ass ‘Bama fan? Check out this article on Deadspin & tell me what you think.

Who else would deploy such vile, loathsome, cowardly tactics against America’s elite armed forces? The trail can only lead back to our ululating enemies. They’ve done a good job so far with their string-tied Boo Radley keeping things hush-hush, but the truth is out there & it’s official: anyone playing against LSU can now be considered America’s Team.

When you’re watching the LSU-Oregon game next weekend, remember this: you can either root against Oregon, or you can root against the terrorists.

Cheap shots on an outnumbered Marine. This is LSU football.

Oregon-LSU preview

Posted: August 23, 2011 in NCAA Football
Tags: , ,

The first weekend of the the season already brings us a pivotal matchup. Two top-5 teams, both with realistic nation title aspirations, facing off at a neutral site. Let’s break down the key components to the game…

LSU will probably have more key players in jail than Oregon. The Ducks will be without their pothead leadfoot star cornerback, but their QB seems to have talked his way out of hot water. Hey, who hasn’t fallen asleep in the passenger seat while your friend, stoned off his ass, drives over 100 mph through the Pacific Northwest with a suspended license. LSU, on the other hand, has to find a way to wrangle the Baton Rouge legal system into not pressing charges against the Tigers QB, who jumped into a drunken streetfight & curbstomped a downed brawler.

The game will be played on artificial turf. This means that a) the Ducks will easily be able to work their infamous speed into the game, & b) Les Miles will be unable to eat grass when things get tense in the 4th quarter.

The game will be played indoors. Oregon should feel right at home, since their recently-donated practice facility is probably bigger, brighter, cleaner & better-maintained than Dallas Cowboys Stadium. LSU will be away from the safe confines of Death Valley, & will have to soldier on without the crowd noise & humidity that they traditionally hold up their sleeves.

Oregon’s players will be stoned, while LSU’s will be hung over. That high-grade Oregon bud will be stored in the Ducks’ fat cells, releasing THC into their brains as the game wears on. LSU will be shaking off the effects of the previous night’s tour of Dallas strip-clubs. Look closely & you’ll see the hand-stamps from the night before.

All this leads us to one inevitable conclusion: Oregon will beat LSU, 30-20. Take it to the bank!

pwn3d

pwn3r

 


All I can do is sit back on my thrift-store sofa & laugh. LSU’s QB is facing legal action for kicking some dude in the head during a Baton Rouge barfight. Ole Miss’ QB just spent the night in the stir after a barroom brawl in Oxford. Stephen Garcia’s QB coach got a free ride downtown for drunkenly mistaking a parked car for a port-a-potty. Earlier this year, 4 Auburn players were arrested after an ill-conceived heist went wrong. Georgia is still recovering from their lecherous ex-AD’s DUI. That’s a lot of Wild Irish Rose being passed around after two-a-days! It ought to be easier to tally up more sacks this year if the opposing QBs are weighed down with house-arrest ankle-bracelets.

A rare behind the scenes look at LSU's equipment manager in action.