Posts Tagged ‘Breaking News’

Tired of being overlooked by the media in favor of other, more troubled QBs on top 25 teams such as LSU’s Jordan Jefferson & Miami’s Jacory Harris, Oklahoma’s Landry Jones has lashed out in what can only be described as a cry for help. The pre-season Heisman favorite reportedly walked into a convenience store in the early hours of Saturday morning brandishing a pistol & screaming “Yeehaw! Boomer Sooner, you sons of bitches!”

After cleaning out the till, security camera footage reveals the clean-cut, high-flying senior put on a display of shooting that would, according to deputies called to the scene, “make Wes Hardin proud”. Jones shattered dozens of liquor bottles behind the counter & a corner spitoon, savoring the resounding “clang” sound.

The convenience store clerk on duty recounts a shocking scene: Jones firing his pistol from the hip, fanning the hammer with his free hand & cursing through teeth clenched on a smoldering tiparillo.

But despite of it all, there were only a smattering of journalists on hand for the press conference that followed, & most of them being cub reporters from the Tulsa Tribune/Pennysaver & the local high school papers.

Unfazed by the snub, Sooners coach Bob Stoops has vowed to put his team back in the spotlight, no matter what the cost of innocent lives.


Here’s an exclusive snippet from LSU QB’s press conference before turning himself in on felony battery charges:

Governor Bentley has reached out to his constituency, asking for support in his quest to create a statewide holiday in honor of alleged Toomer-poisoner Harvey Updyke Jr. If you want to be a part of this historic movement, let the Governor know you support him by emailing him.

Before you dismiss the idea & condemn Updyke as a psychopath who gives the Tide a bad name, remember that Auburn rolled Toomer’s corner when Bear Bryant died, & that Auburn fans burned the 2010 Iron Bowl score into the lawn outside Bryant-Denny, & that Auburn won their 2nd national championship by paying $180,000 to a thug dropout, & that Updyke was the only one with the stones to do anything about it.

Oddly enough, one of the most shocking things to come out of LSU’s last-minute meltdown is the fact that Jordan Jefferson has almost 50 extra pair of shoes. Yep, when Baton Rouge’s finest searched the quarrelsome QBs apartment for a footprint that would match the one he left on a downed opponent (apparently Jefferson doesn’t adhere to the Unified Rules of MMA) they walked out of there with 49 pairs of shoes. 49 pairs! These are shoes that Jefferson would have been wearing at 1:30 am in a bar, so they weren’t cleats. That means this cheapshot-artist has about 50 pair of “walking around” shoes, presuming the boys in blue didn’t leave him barefoot as they left for the crime-lab.

And I don’t want to sound ugly here, but I’m going to go out a limb & venture that most of those shoes weren’t WalMart flip-flops or imitation Vans from Payless Shoe Source. That’s a whole lotta shoes…

…or should I say that’s a whole lotta $100 handshakes at alumni association meet’n’greets!

It’s been revealed that the down-for-the-count man LSU QB Jordan Jefferson kicked in a late-night barfight is in fact a United States Marine. After sneaking out of their dorms, the LSU players got into a scuffle at some podunk Louisiana saloon. A young Marine, fresh out of basic training, tried to break up the fight & was rat-packed for his troubles. After hitting the ground, the USMC recruit was soccer-kicked ala old-skool Wanderlei Silva.

Think I’m just being a smug, smarmy, smart-ass ‘Bama fan? Check out this article on Deadspin & tell me what you think.

Who else would deploy such vile, loathsome, cowardly tactics against America’s elite armed forces? The trail can only lead back to our ululating enemies. They’ve done a good job so far with their string-tied Boo Radley keeping things hush-hush, but the truth is out there & it’s official: anyone playing against LSU can now be considered America’s Team.

When you’re watching the LSU-Oregon game next weekend, remember this: you can either root against Oregon, or you can root against the terrorists.

Cheap shots on an outnumbered Marine. This is LSU football.

Forget Gatorade...this is the fuel that keeps Garcia running!

Controversial South Carolina QB Stephen Garcia may be in Steve Spurrier’s doghouse, but has fallen into the good graces of 211 Steel Reserve. The highly-potent, ultra-affordable malt liquor company has awarded Garcia with a lucrative sponsorship on the heels of his recent reinstatement.

“211 is the only thing I’ll chug while on a campus-wide drunken rampage,” Garcia proudly announced to the press. “It’s the secret to my success, as taught to me by my QB coach.” South Carolina QB coach G.A. Magnus, recently turned loose from the drunk tank after pissing in the streets while blind drunk, was not available for comment.

“We expect big things from Stephen Garcia,” said 211 Steel Reserve spokesman Phil Grubert. “Who better to represent our brand than a quarterback who has more alcohol-related suspensions than bowl appearances, or SEC Championships, or SEC East Championships, or even all three combined.”

As of press time, one can expect to find 211 at the end of the malt-liquor aisle in your favorite package store, & Garcia passed out on the fraternity bathroom floor.

A hung over Garcia does what he does best.There's still hope for "guards vs convicts" game MVP honors...

Read on for the latest scoops we were able to obtain:

Les Miles orders police protection for Tiger Stadium, fears ‘Bama fans will poison the sideline grass in an attempt on his life.

Mississippi State players boldly predict: “We guarantee we’ll cover the spread against Alabama this year!”

Georgia head coach on the future of his career: “Can I interest you in Amway?”

Steve Spurrier forces team to watch final installment of “Harry Potter” in an effort to bolster “trickeration” playbook.

Vandy head coach issues challenge to the media: “Tell me what my name is.”

Of course there were a slew of soundbites from the Auburn coaching staff:

Gus Malzahn on the key to his success: “We pay a lot of money to have a talented scumbag to play QB for us.”

Gene Chizik (going against his legal coundel’s advice to pleasd the 5th for the duration of SEC Media Days) on the departure of most of his starters: “Our checks must have bounced.

On the ongoing NCAA investigation: “If we pay you what we paid Cam Newton will you leave us alone?”

On the odds of repeating as national champion: “No one at Auburn can count that high.”